Argh

I feel totally bloody fucked up! Never had my mind messed up so much! I know I will get through this and more.. still you cant escape the feeling of ...... argh.. Bullshit. I never usually went up to any body for any emotional solace, neither my dad or mom.. It wasnt because of any lack of it.. It was just because I am capable of all that. But suddenly and sorely I kinda ah feel dependant .

Boy did I try, but cant get it outta my system.. Harder I am trying shorter I am of breath. Bloody fucking mind of mine. My arrogance wont let me be! The result of this all doesnt exactly bother me but still for some fucking bloody reason I cant be my normal relaxed self. I am fidgety wtf! Boy only way I am fighting it is by walking.... walking... for so long hmm...

Bloody bloggin does give me some sorta relief, but all this are momentary! usually I know what to do! Er rather its unusual for me not to know what to do whatever be the situation, Would I do what is required or not is my call ofcourse but still! bloody fucking..... indecisiveness of mine!

Man cant I get over it! ah... hmm.................

"Have u ever liked someone sooo much, that u just couldnt tell them? have u ever had a sleepless night because u couldnt stop thinking about them? have u ever felt so lonely that u cryed urself to sleep? have u ever lost someone u loved and prayed every night for them to return? have u ever felt the need to hurt urself on the outside because u couldnt stand the hurt inside? if u have ever felt like this then send this to everyone on ur list and with in one week someone u love will tell u how they feel. if u dont send this u will never fall in love again and the person u love will hate u! "

This is an exerpt from an IM i got recently. The sender is a close friend of mine. The answer is a definite NO. Because for me sleep is really important. And only something creative is more important than that.

Yes I am lonely and I feel that but I dont feel too bad about it. It just makes me feel for someone like Santhosh to whom I can talk to. And I dont pray at all. For me there is nothing too important or nothing insignificant this is when I feel in the right mood. Yes mood can change how a person looks into a particular thing. Sometimes you will feel that you would really want to have sex , at other times you will just want to be alone to be out of the system and relax in your own way. Sometimes you want yourself to be completely independant if that is possible and at other times you want someone to take care of yourself.

What this means that I have reached a particular stage in maturity where I can easily mask maturity. Now it is actually more than masking it is actually switching maturity within limits. THats act like a kid. Act really wild. But I never try to act adorable. Maybe because I dont like to be adored yes some do admire some qualities of mine. Thats not a prob, And I do admire a lot of things about them. What this means is I think for myself or atleast put an effort to. So for me it is much easier to cope with stress. Because it is all about know how much and how deep you should think about something.

Against the System.

I hate those guys who are always satisfied with the system. People are so engrossed in so called there own lifes that they miss a lot of what is happening in this world so what has happened is they dont know that whatever that happens in this world even outside this small earth will influence them in some small way or the Other. I do agree we cant respond to each one of them.

Yes Respond not react coz if you react you wont know what is happening and the thing that is done is done. WHAT is this yet another Blog.

Man even I am incorrigble. Shit living with all of ye guys. I have become what I am.
This system sucks. None has the guts to stand up to anything. They just think that if they lie low they will be spared. Poor Souls. They dont know where they are standing.
If we want something we have to stand up for it. Dont lie down.

Governments all over the world try to use propoganda overtly or otherwise to influence and control peoples opinion. They have the money and the establishment.

It is only in India where the media is this free. Mostly in other countries media is in the hands of corporates. So there they are in this game to make money which they cant get much from the masses. So they turn to the establishment which usually promptly serves there purpose. The Prime examples would be US and Italy. Where there is not much anti establishment press.

I am not a judge of anything. Still I can express my opinion.

What do I post here ,about hypocrisy that is prevalent in our society? Or about the pretenses one keeps in this society?
Ok lemme tell you about that itself. Why why why. Shoot your questions. At yourselfs at your friends and every one you can get your hands to. But mind you dont scoot.

Now I will tell a very short version of Stranger by Albert Camus. I havent read this book I just want to make a point.
In the story the protagonist is a stranger. He comes to a city where he is a stranger. His problem is he doesnt have any pretensions he is just who he is and what he claims to be. nothing more and nothing less. So what happens in the story is as he is not pretensious he really holds a mirror to what others are. In the end those people fearing those who they really are. Unable to bear their own scrutiny eliminates the protagonist or something.

This is just a story which we can say is highly exxxagerated.

But still it does have some truth in it. That is we do pretend a lot. We pretend that we are not looking at someone. We pretend that we are really great. We pretend that we are sick. We pretend that we are OK. We pretend.....
But if then everyone pretends then what is the big deal ? Eh then the Question should be not what is the big deal. It should be why we pretend. We pretend when we are insecure. When we feel that if we show our true self. We might not suffice. Yes everyone has a certain amount of fear about this in his or hers mind.
But when the level reaches the sky it is extremely nauseating. Those guys and gals simply cause such a bitter taste in our minds. Not because they did something wrong.
There is nothing wrong with aspiring to be more than what you are. But there is something wrong with pretending to be more. It causes a lot of discomforts and problems etc.
I do agree for a social mechanism some amount of pretensions are necessary but it is when we cross this fine line that we need to be aware of.
But what does this so called limit translate to. It translates to more spontaneous behaviour. More genuine personality. Whereby people will be more tempted to trust. None can pretend to be genuine if he or she is not.
You dont need these cloaks. Live free.
PS: this is no way caustic. Still if you are ready to look deep within you. This is much more corrosive than anything I have written. It is entirely up to you.

Ah posting in this gives something of an openness and frankness which dont experience in other posts. Coz I can shed most of my pretenses here. Or can I ? Still I do shed some of them. I dont care what others think. ALL most all guys around me are according to me Fucked up. They are so focussed or unfocussed that they dont really know where they are or what they are. I feel that their condition is really pathetic.
What do I feel about Myself. Self critical Evaluation is an important and a dangerous thing. This should be done carefully. Why dangerous because if you are not truthful then it can create false beliefs and ideas in your mind. I dont want to do that.
Its natural for a person any person to be doubtful of what they are. I am not an exception. This is because people change over any period of time. AND they will not be aware. IF somebody is really sure about himself and he thinks so. Then it means that he might be not that aware of the reality.

As far as I am concerned. Everyone evaluates themselves by what they feel they are capable of and others evaluate you by what you have done.
THE evaluation would follow in the next post. I dont think I would be doing justice to myself if I make a mockery of this. So I have to think and write.
AND most probably I will. OFcourse I have to say most probably.

This Sucks.

The question is what Sucks. As a matter of fact many things does but I am gonna talk about a certain characteristics of our (read Kerala or Indian) society. Meaning many ask me what the fuck is with India. It is basically not that we are morons or anything . It is that we are all Including me
so complacent. We dont care of anything except us. Ofcourse for you to care you need to think that everything is urs or u are part of everything. Both are entirely different.
Take the case of marriage. Many guys go in marriage coz of the money in it. I say these are stupid dickheads. Man if you are just into fucking why the hell destroy others life. Go some place else. The Idea of marriage is for a stable relationship where your progeny can grow up in a stable environment. That is something you as the progenitor should strive to achieve.
But hey you just interested in just the sex rt. You dont care what kinda person you are with.

Much more than this What makes me really angry is those hamlet type characters around.
Meaning you say yes or no. You dont say yesno and try giving the explanation for that shit.

PS: Ofcourse The above statements are not about everyone. There are a many a guys i know who are quite good, and are nothing like what I said. But for each of them there are many more of the other kind.

Expecting shortly.

Caustic what?

I really dont know WTF to post.